i recently began doing yoga on a daily basis. i do it when i wake up. before i go to sleep. not to mention the couple classes i take during the week.
it has changed my life.
not to be melodramatic, because those of you who know me well are probably rolling your eyes. but i’m not joking. i had an epiphany the other day and its taken me awhile to wrap my head around how to put it into words. there are a few parts to my story that i realized from my yoga mat but hopefully you can follow my thought process.
so much of our every day is built up of outward emotions. energy that is directed at the world around us. we are conditioned to believe that the things that exist in this world will give us what we desire. we find ourselves striving just beyond our reach. so many times you hear people say “i’ll be fully happy when…” we also live in societies where we are supposed to be constantly busy. introverts are considered strange because why would someone want to do absolutely nothing, alone, for hours at a time? this past week i got my answers to all these questions and puzzlements.
yoga is centered around mindfulness. awareness. the word “yoga” translates to “union”. keeping an individual’s body, spirit and mind in perfect equilibrium with nature and the world around it. its about quieting the mind, listening to your body, your energies, and allowing calmness and blissful happiness to enter your soul.
it took me quite a few hours on my yoga mat to find my calm. my awareness. my silence. my unity. but once i experienced it, it leaked into every little thing my life touches.
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at the beginning of every yoga class, our instructor tells us “take your body and mind as it is today.” some days you can do the complicated poses, while other days your body says absolutely not and you just want to hang out in downward dog or the tree pose for an hour. it starts by accepting where you are. who you are. most days i am a scatterbrained, forgetful mess of a human and thoughts run through my mind like honey bees during the spring. instead of getting upset about the fact that i can’t keep my mind still, i acknowledge the thoughts and let them go. other days my mind is as quiet as a church mouse.
this has leaked into everything…
my performance. in my performing anxiety class, one thing we discussed was “accepting your instrument where it is today.” don’t force practice if it isn’t working. as a singer, i found particular comfort in this. my instrument is my body. we can only do so much. push so much. it’s finding that awareness. that mindfulness. that unity with your instrument. that balance with pushing your limits, but allowing rest. it’s a dance. a give and take. ive spent more time hearing my vocal folds over my lifetime than hearing anything or anyone else. however, i realized i haven’t actually listened to them. some days they don’t want to be used. other days they want to conquer the world. i have found, since taking the time to listen and understand them, my practice and my performance has improved drastically. i embrace my insecurities. accept what they are. what they are capable of doing. and i move ahead from there.
i’m an introvert. through and through. i knew it before, but never fully embodied it until i took myself out of my apartment, moved to another country into a house with 8 people, and took this yoga class. “accept your mind as it is today.” at the end of a long day, my mind is sometimes whispering “nope” and so many times i never paid attention. went out anyway, and couldn’t understand why i had a migraine. why i was cranky. or tired. some days my mind can’t handle other people. conversations. thinking. sometimes i need to just be. accepting this on my yoga mat this past week, not feeling guilty over it, and becoming mindful about it has left me feeling enriched. excited. whole. happy. i’m able to put so much more into my relationships when i take the time to be with myself.
my friendships. you can’t change people. seriously. why would you want to. your friends are your friends for a reason. “accept them as they are today.” we all have bad days. we all have flaws. we all anger each other. annoy. frustrate each other. thats life when you love someone. be mindful of that. aware of that. forgive them. let the annoyance float into your mind. breathe. acknowledge it. let it go. love them. and accept them as they are today.
my career. like i mentioned earlier, we all look to our outer world to fulfill our dreams. we need to be mindful of what we are actually meant to do. be honest with your soul. “accept your soul as it is today” what would feed your soul? what does your heart actually want to be doing? i found three answers to that question: singing. creating. loving. *i want to sing. i need to sing.* its an actual fire in me that is constantly burning. while living in the cities before i came here, i didn’t sing once. but the people around me can probably tell you i was constantly humming to myself. it was always there. i wasn’t mindful of it. i am now fully aware that its what my soul is made of. *creating.* i have a hunger for pretty things. i don’t really mean things you buy. but things you make. so many people comment on my random array of interests and skills. floral design. glass blowing. sewing. painting. baking. and i have a desire to learn pottery. watercolor. cake decorating. anything. i yearn to create. to get my hands into something and form it into something beautiful. i recently am aware i become restless when i haven’t made something. for example: i have saved 18 empty toilet paper rolls. my roommate thinks i’m insane. i keep telling her “no but i’m going to make something out of them.” and i will. *loving.* i need to love. i was born with a need for affection but also a terrible need to give it. i love being in a relationship. i love having a few close friends because i can remember their birthdays. i loved being a nanny these past couple years. i need to love. love myself. love the sun. love friends and family. and to build a life centered around me and the people i love.
singing songs. being a singer is, in a nutshell, being a storyteller. songs were originally written to poems. for events. people. emotions. singing is the oldest instrument and people have been doing it since the world began. and the things they sang about were real. i’m in ireland studying traditional music, so a lot of the songs i’m given, hear or learn are old. are real. are based on events and emotions of people who actually lived. my tutor has mentioned multiple times how amazingly different my singing is when i am mindful of a songs story. when i can close my eyes, envelope the emotions of the original writer, feel the wind on my cheeks or the warmth of the sun on my skin… my voice then suddenly carries a much heavier emotion then simply singing a song. thats what singers are. storytellers. i never realized the importance of my passion. and i never embodied my songs until these past few weeks. all of a sudden they become easier to sing. easier to memorize. to ornament. to enjoy. one masterclass tutor told me when he performs, he imagines the ghost of the person standing next to him. and it allows him to get in touch with them. to portray their emotions while enlightening the audience on their story. songs that you can embody become a part of you. just like as a teenager we embodied backstreet boys, or spice girls’ wannabe “friendship never ends” and to this day can still sing the words perfectly, these songs and their words, their meanings, will stay in my mind and my heart forever. as will the people these stories are about.
the weather. it rains almost every day in ireland. i am not exaggerating. not always heavy rain. sometimes a mist. or sleet. sometimes its pouring. maybe sunny and rainy at the same time. sometimes it sunny then pouring rain with dark clouds literally an hour later. i don’t know. i don’t understand. for months it was a big downer for my soul. i realized i needed the sun. but i recently realized i actually have no control over the weather. none. i can pray. but god probably laughs at the desperation in my voice. this week i learned to “accept the weather as it is today.” sunday is my day to go grocery shopping. it was fine in the morning, but of course by the time i walked out with my bags of groceries it was pouring rain. i took out a piece of chocolate, put my hood up, and started walking. i actually enjoyed it. by the time i got home i was soaked. my mascara was running down my cheeks. my glasses were so spotty i couldn’t actually see. my feet were in puddles because i had holes in my shoes. i acknowledged the realization that i prefer dry feet over wet feet. but it didn’t ruin my mood. it won’t rain forever. case in point, we had sun for a few hours today. i have learned to accept the weather. i am so madly in love with the colors of ireland but its the rain that makes it so vibrant. don’t hate the rain. love the rain. be mindful of its gifts and accept it when it comes.
my body. especially for women, we always have things we want to change about ourselves. since my yoga class, i have “accepted my body as it is today.” i feed it foods that will leave me energized. full. happy. i give it chocolate when it asks. i get up early to read a book over breakfast. i pack snacks for every two hours realizing ill become a bear without a pick me up. i get up early and workout on a regular basis. my body revels in it. i do yoga every day. my body craves it. i take baths. i walk barefoot in the grass. i walk around in yoga pants for comfort. i use my it works products to hydrate, strengthen, and cleanse everything. i am completely mindful of what my body needs, wants, looks like, and i’m learning to accept it as it is.
my relationship with god. i have ironically found a unity with him too through this yoga journey. he seems to be at the center. i just needed the mindfulness and awareness of yoga to find him there. i’m still working on praying. i’m so bad at it. i feel like sometimes he and i are playing phone tag. and i’m still working on reading the bible on a regular basis. but i know he accepts me the way i am. and he loves me just the same. and he has an outcome for my life that i can only dream about. so on anxious days. or days when i feel i’m getting nowhere.. i remember he’s there. i give it to him. i let go. i embrace my pain. my insecurities. acknowledge they’re there, then hand the mover to him. he probably chuckles at my scatterbrained thoughts. or rolls his eyes when i have once again lost my keys and mutter why god why! or hugs me on days it won’t stop raining. but regardless, i fall asleep and wake up knowing it will all actually work out.
theres so many other ways this yoga mat has changed my way of thinking. to be quiet. calm. mindful. to take part in a practice based on acceptance. while also pushing yourself to be the best you can be. i think we can only strive to be more when we truly accept where we are. to embrace our discomfort and our faults. to lean into the pain. our insecurities. to look inward and accept who you are. you will find true and everlasting happiness when you become mindful of what’s happening in you and around you. some things are in your control. others aren’t. like my honey bee thoughts, don’t be frustrated when things don’t go your way. acknowledge what’s there, then let it pass. and on days when your mind or your life is as quiet as a church mouse, be mindful of that too and find the pleasure in the silence. we can develop a presence in the way we feel and in doing so, begin to understand that we need not do anything to change it.
relax. release. breath in. breath out. lean in. and let go.
A Spoonful of Sugar 